http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-07/prince-william-and-prince-harry-pose-for-first-royally-awkward-portrait-together/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50394

Awww, the first official royal portrait of Prince William and Prince Harry. It really captures what it’s like to be a Prince — leaning in a physically impossible way, holding gloves, staring longingly up at your brother who’s eighteen inches away…

Also, I love the ever-growing vocal minority of people who constantly point out that they think Harry’s way hotter than William, usually in such a defensive way as to reveal they clearly know they don’t believe what they’re saying but feel a sense of entitlement by taking the less-popular opinion. It’s the new “Kid A is better than OK Computer” argument. You don’t have to get vocally defensive about your opinion — you’re allowed to fantasize about sleeping with both albums.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-07/christopher-lee-releases-metal-concept-album-about-charlemagne-in-early-contender-for-sense-making-story-of-the-year/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50346

89-year-old Christopher Lee, the veteran deep-voiced star of Lord Of The Rings, the new Star Wars movies, and numerous Dracula films from decades ago, has recorded a heavy metal concept album about the Frankish King Charlemagne who ruled much of the European continent into the 9th century A.D.

As someone who is paid to find stuff online and offer up my attempts at adding humor to these findings, it’s also my job to know when additional exaggeration is unnecessary.

You can listen to the songs below:

(via Gorillamask)

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-07/trailer-mix-tyler-perry-can-do-abusive-horror-movies-all-by-himself/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50335

Urlesque brings us the trailer for the latest Tyler Perry movie, Why Did I Get Married Too, which combines all the best parts of How Stella Got Her Groove Back with Sleeping with the Enemy into one completely terrifying movie on a beach starring Janet Jackson.

If you’ve ever wondered what the sound of an axe murderer chopping down your door to your Barbados bungalow sounds like, watch the last 30 or so seconds with your eyes closed. (JK, keep them open, it’s Janet’s Oscar moment.)

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-07/michael-lohan-achieves-d-list-wet-dream-on-celebrity-boxing/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50417

There is perhaps no greater honor for a D-list celebrity who has rarely to never accomplished anything in his or her life than to be asked to participate in a “celebrity” boxing match, where the word celebrity is looser than the size 0 jeans on a freckled coke whore’s frame.

Which brings us to Michael Lohan, who has used his fairly recent celebrity as the father of America’s numbest gummed ginger to get a coveted spot in the Celebrity Boxing Federation’s (it exists!) next round in Folsom, Pennsylvania. Behold (at a distance):

We’re not exactly sure who his opponent is, but we have some fantasy guesses… Namely, Aretha Franklin. Aretha would teach this boy a lesson about how to treat a lady. And her satin shorts would be divine. (We would also settle for Jon Gosselin and/or Mady.)

Do yourself a personal favor and check out the rest of this guy’s shlocky poses in the gallery below.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-07/michael-cera-joins-jersey-shore-cast-in-hot-tub-shortens-his-life-by-two-decades/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50365

Earlier this week, we saw Michael Cera appropriately Jersey Shore-ify his hair, and now, here’s the Arrested Development / Juno alum boldly hopping into a hot tub with the cast of Jersey Shore. Still not sure what Jersey Shore has to do with the movie Youth In Revolt, but if “jumping in hot tub with hyperguidos” supplants the talk show as the new universally accepted form of movie promotion, expect Hollywood to shatter every existing box office record in 2010. And for all movie stars to die from aqua-to-genital contracted diseased by around 2014.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-07/while-you-were-hoping-gary-colemans-recovery-has-reversed-the-curse-of-2009/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50360

• Twilight: New Moon won four People’s Choice Awards, including “Favorite Movie” and the equally-coveted “Favorite Vampire Movie”.
• Tiger Woods’ yacht, called Privacy, temporarily left its Florida dock Wednesday. This was first reported after hundreds of photos of the Privacy leaving dock surfaced, along with seven angles of HD video of the Privacy and recordings of the Privacy in THX stereo sound.
• Taylor Swift’s Fearless was the top-selling album of 2009, barely edging out Susan Boyle’s debut cd. A narrow third? This opus.
• Courtney Love announced that Hole will be playing its first show in eleven years this coming February. On the scale of “Will This Actually Happen,” this one ranks somewhere between “Axl Rose playing full show” and “Arrested Development movie in theaters”.
• Marvel’s Thor will be released in theaters on May 6, 2011. Remember to mark it down in your Way The Hell In Advance Marvel Movie Calendar, right next to “Sub Mariner – October 2095″
• And last but not least – 3-D televisions??? Just answer two questions for me: How much, and when will Planet Earth be on them?

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-06/video-jimmy-fallon-the-muppets-stage-impromptu-concert/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50328

Check out this footage of Jimmy Fallon and a handful of our favorite Muppets, breaking down into an impromptu version of “One” (not Bono’s, the “loneliest number” verzh) before the actual show started taping. We strongly encourage the puppeteers to form an after-hour jam band, because wow… it’s pretty professional. Video courtesy of our friends over at the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon blog, who were lucky enough to catch this act live. They assure us it was totally improvised.

Spoiler Alert: It’s Robin, the small frog on Jimmy’s shoulder, that puts this video over the edge for us. HIS HAT IS PROBABLY THE SIZE OF A DIME!! Also, this picture.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-06/iwantone-nerdgasm-rocks-globe-as-iphone-duvet-hits-market/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50320

Wanna know the only way to improve upon a nerd’s orgasm? Other than throwing in another person to make it a kinky twosome, what about Big O’ing under one of these?

Yes, that’s right: IPhone Bedding is here.*

Sure, things might get a little awkward when your ass keeps wondering what day it is on the wrongly-spelled “Calender,” it’s still less embarrassing than your other option: Not having an iPhone duvet. It’s the perfect compliment to your Microsoft Zune poster!

*PS: No one will ever sleep with you if you buy this. Enjoy.

iDream of Genius via The Daily Mail

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-06/fact-drunk-mariah-carey-mariah-carey/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50314

OK, it’s not Anna Nicole Smith awards show level wasted, but still, this acceptance speech delivered by Mariah Carey for Breakthrough Performance at the Palm Springs Film Festival feels like it was delivered at the bottom of a vodka pool.

Note that it’s been edited down, meaning in actuality the speech probably lasted 48 minutes. Also, we would definitely get tanked with Mariah Carey. We love us some relaxed drunks.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-06/ad-wizards-screw-tooth-whitening-just-make-yourself-black/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50274

Making fun of crappy banner ads is as easy as making fun of flashing clipart ads about fish in a barrel (seriously, that’d be very easy to make fun of), but that throwaway explanation aside, I couldn’t help but do a wacky black-and-white sitcom double-take when I saw this banner ad for tooth whitening:

Are they claiming they’ll fix your yellow teeth by making you black, thus comparably whitening your mouth? Why does the person in the first photo have one normal tooth next to one disgustingly yellow tooth? Was Photo #1 covering one tooth with, like, a plastic gold tooth then binge-drinking gallons of Coke, and he got the fake gold tooth from some Halloween costume kit called “Gang Thug Man” with an example photo of a sad dude not even trying to feign enthusiasm for appearing on the front of the Gang Thug Man Halloween costume bag?

Got off track there, I’ll save my rants about sad Halloween costume kit photos for February, when they’re topical. In the meantime, I’ll be clicking on that ad to discover this secret mom trick of moms.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-06/there-are-definitely-some-of-you-who-will-get-turned-on-by-this-the-bear-grylls-self-enema/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50303

Was this necessary? Completely Un. Are we better people for watching it? No. But on Man vs. Wild, nothing is perhaps wilder than a self-administered enema on a rickety wooden raft. And when the person writhing in pain just happens to be Bear Grylls… well, ladies and gentlemen, an entirely new fetish is born.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-06/andy-roddick-oblivious-to-steamy-background-koala-sex/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50308

Yesterday, we brought you photos of tennis superstar Andy Roddick living our dream and cupping a koala’s ass. Today, with generous thanks to Pittsburgh’s 96.1 Morning Freak Show, we are given footage that can only be described as “God-given.” While Andy Roddick tries to talk about saving koalas during a press conference, two of these tiny gray perverts proceed to have throw down, dirty tree sex directly behind him.

Note: If you’re a fan of koalas, you might not be ready for a koala face in the throes of ecstasy. Though we have to admit their pillow talk is pretty cute.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-06/video/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50279

Much like the old adage about NASCAR only being interesting when there’s a huge crash, so, too, is Wheel Of Fortune only worth paying attention to when there’s a giant wreck. An actual car wreck, I mean — Wheel Of Fortune is only worth watching when a literal automobile drives through the studio walls and smashes the into the wheel, prompting a stunned silence followed by the sound guy playing the “BANKRUPT” sound effect, which makes people laugh a little then they realize it’s inappropriate and fall silent again.

Since this has never happened, we’ll resort to the next best thing and laugh at people who guess “Self Potato”:

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-06/while-you-were-gearing-up-for-the-my-secret-identity-dvd-release/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50297

• Katy Perry and Russell Brand got engaged while on vacation in India, marking the first time in history that a giant, painted street elephant was able to roll his eyes. Also, they are perfect for each other like unrelated identical twins.
• Lindsay Lohan has accused ex-BFF Patrick “Pootie” Aufdenkamp of stealing from her, while the rest of the country accuses him of possibly being a gay Nazi war criminal.
• Sharon Stone is set to make an appearance on Law & Order: SVU, while Sharon Stone’s Vagina has opted to appear on NCIS: Los Angeles.
• Joan Rivers was not allowed to board a flight to Costa Rica from Newark due to some passport/boarding pass name confusion… so she took to Larry King to talk about it! That gate agent should be fired and then immediately hired to face off against Joan on a new season of Fox’s Celebrity Boxing.
• What do you get the person who has everything? Boom.
• The recent passing away of heiress Casey Johnson, also the recent girlfriend of Tila Tequila, is sad and no doubt an early loss. But it’s perhaps this line, spoken by Johnson’s ex-girlfriend to Radar, that is raising the most red flags for us: “On one occasion she (Tila) called me and a male friend screaming, saying people were breaking into her home. When I arrived, she was naked with a kitchen knife screaming, but no one was there.” It’s official: Tila Tequila needs to be stopped.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-06/kim-kardashians-new-perfume-ad-may-just-be-catherine-zeta-jones-floating-in-a-ring/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50287

Little known fact – Kim Kardashian’s new perfume ad is identical to Kim Kardashian’s ad for Becoming a Sluttily-Photoshopped Catherine Zeta-Jones:

It’s not entirely clear whether or not her fragrance will literally turn you into a sluttily-Photoshopped Catherine Zeta-Jones, but I’m assuming that’s what the ad wants you to believe, like how ads for beer make you equate their product with sex or how commercials for alarm systems make you equate their product with sex. It’s called subliminal adversexsex.

Just do not get me started on the perfume’s ass and how totally big it is.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-05/take-our-word-for-it-youre-gonna-love-these-zombies/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50267

Lovable zombies, you scoff? Not possible. WRONG. Look in the mirror. YOU ARE WRONG. Because we’ve found em! And believe it or not, they were pretty lovable as people too. That’s because these “Zombies” are actually the hilarious twosome Paul F. Tompkins and Rich Sommer (yes, Harry Crane), who have already climbed to the top of the 2010 charts in the “Zombies We Wanna Hang With” category.

Let’s not even talk about the beautiful cinematography of this viral video, which may have finally proven to us that this “internet” thing is through f*cking around. It’s art, people. This is “Sketch of the Dead.”

Watch it for the last minute alone, which, to us — on two hours sleep — is the funniest thing we’ve seen since the epic “Flat Cat” episode of Hoarders.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-05/small-wonder-no-gigantic-wonder/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50253

If you’ve wondering where we’ve been all day, it’s been staring at the following DVD cover which arrived on our desks via robot angel with apron:

THE FIRST SEASON OF SMALL WONDER IS FINALLY BEING RELEASED ON DVD.

Our favorite show EVER about a child slave who, thankfully, wasn’t a real girl at all, rather a robot, can be watched over and over and over again. What’s that? You don’t remember it? Why don’t you give it’s theme song a listen and then call your local hardware store when your BRAIN SPRINGS SHOOT OUT OF YOUR EYEHOLES:

This might be our favorite melody after our standard #1 pick, Colonel Abrams’ “Table for Two.”

Watching this show today is a trip. Namely, because Vicki’s hardware, which is woefully sticking out of her back like the light switch to a slumlord’s whore den, is the exact same motherboard used to make an Atari game console. It’s as though the creators of the show threw their giant Apple PC’s to the ground after writing so many television failures, picked up the sparking motherboard while their hungry children began crying in the doorway, and boom: TELEVISION HISTORY IS MADE.

Further proof as to how GENIUS this show is can be found in the show’s Wikipedia description:

V.I.C.I.’s features include superhuman strength and speed, an AC outlet under her right arm, a parallel port under her left arm, and an access panel in her back. Despite this, the Lawson family tries to pass the robot off as their adopted daughter. Vicki lives in a large cabinet in Jamie’s bedroom, and becomes more human over the course of the show.

Pretty sure this is also the plot to our other favorite movie, “The Tom Cruise Story.”

And we wouldn’t be journalists without passing along this genius:

Occasionally Vicki had rare abilities that seemed to only appear in one or two episodes, such as elongating her neck to reach a door’s peephole, shrinking her size to become as small as a doll or making herself ten feet tall to get noticed by everyone.

Yup, special FX were in full FX back in 1986. But you know the only thing creepier than a fake robo-daughter? How about the real kids?

Yes, that is the girl from Troop Beverly Hills. And that’s probably the guy you just bought meth from. I LOVE THIS SHOW!!

The DVD is officially out at the beginning of February, but understandably, it already has a 5 star rating over at Amazon.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-05/andy-roddick-lives-our-dream-of-hugging-a-koala-ass/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50240

Well, the only — ONLY — thing that is on my personal Bucket List has now been completed by the most boring man in tennis, Andy Roddick. Indeed, Andy Roddick has now gently cupped the ass of a koala bear, as the above photo would seem to indicate. He did so while at the Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary in Brisbane, Australia.

Just how serious am I about wanting to hug a koala’s ass? This is one of three photos taken of me at the San Diego Zoo this summer. I’m very serious, people. (Note that said koala is stuffed and unfeeling.)

On the plus side, Roddick’s koala is clearly just as bored with him as is our entire country:

Koala fans might want to click through the below gallery.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-05/and-we-didnt-even-get-to-crash-the-wedding-shenanigans/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50230

Vince Vaughn has done the impossible.

HE GOT MARRIED.

We’ve actually missed Vincie from the pages of our local gossip rags these past few months, so this wedding comes as nothing short of a shock. So, who’s the lucky lady who apparently can’t get enough of his trademarked Vaughncian banter? Her name’s Kyla Weber, a woman listed as a Canadian “real estate agent,” which is apparently what Canadians are calling their strippers now. Kudos to him for not falling for some common Hollywood floozy, and kudos to her for pulling the plug on one of America’s most beloved bachelors.

What girl wouldn’t wanna snag this guy?

It’s the second most shocking marriage moment in history after this:

True, it’s fictional, but our Jewjaws are still dropping over it.

So ladies, a sad day for the world of giant slightly bloated bachelors, as there is one less on the market. And once again, poor Jennifer Aniston is left in the cold. She best marry John Mayer before some other woman — God forbid a Canadian – gets to him first.

Ahead, a short Wedding Crashers clip to warm the cockles.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/its-2010-cats-still-putting-heads-in-small-boxes/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50225

It’s a new decade.* 2010, for God’s Sake, a year most people never thought this planet would even make it to. 2010!! This is future time, let’s go to Mars, get wild on the moon, drink gasoline-tinis and rocket ship to the stars time!

Wait a second… nope, scratch that:

(via Urlesque and yes, the cat lived.)

(*Fun spoilers who argue the new decade starts in 2011 need to just calmuh downuh.)

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/worlds-colliding-michael-cera-puts-on-fist-pumping-jersey-shore-halloween-costume/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50215

One of our fave Jersey Shore castmates (JK, we love them all equally, like our own deranged, wasted, navy orange children) Paulie D tweeted the above photo of himself alongside Michael Cera, as part of a Youth in Revolt publicity stunt.

So just how does indie star Cera mold his soft, blond locks into a giant, rock hard rectangle? Why, all it takes is a little elbow grease and 900 years of practice…

And perhaps our favorite pic of em all. It’s like Paulie D’s Mom showed up to take a picture of them before prom…

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/young-dumb-and-full-of-ideas-jock-documents-adam-lambert-dream/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50196

Urlesque blogger and personal Internet yin to my yang Eliot Glazer passes along a video that proves that while the internet is a glorious, multi-faceted, always-generous son of a bitch, it also has an ugly underbelly of oddness that could easily cause an entire nation to want to shut the whole thing down.

You see, in this video, a young, twinky jock describes a dream he has about Adam Lambert. Using the projected budget for the next Robin Williams-John Travolta Disney joint and a whole bucketful of tenacity, our young hero both guzzles chocolate syrup out of the bottle and, immediately thereafter, dons a Lambert wig and lipsynchs to Gaga. It was his ~dream~ you guyzzz!*

Dear This Kid’s Family: Please buy him this for Martin Luther King Jr.’s upcoming birthday.

*It’s entirely possibly this dream weirds us out due to this guy’s resemblance to Lambert + ‘roids. We don’t really want to dig deep on this one.

And for those of you who thought the above short film was sort of sweet and/or those of you crushing on this dude (look, we understand), we’ve posted another one of his videos ahead — featuring him shirtless and with leopard makeup on — that should help swing… your votes.

Your more turned on now, aren’t you? Ah well, no need to thank us.
Love,
The Internet

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/lets-just-go-ahead-and-call-the-winner-of-celebrity-apprentice-3/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=45270

UPDATE: Today, EW brings us our first photo of the Celebrity Apprentice 3 Cast:

We are happy to report that our original pick to win this entire show (which you can see ahead) is still looking mighty strong in this line-up. Though we’re also getting major “winner” vibes from Cyndi Lauper (that no nonsense business suit!), Daryl Strawberry (backwards chair = $$$), and Curtis Stone way there in the back. Also, why does everyone look uhsooo tiny in this picture? Is there some sort of Rick Moranis-themed backyard challenge ahead for these guys?

Also, here is a great photo of Sharon Osbourne not taking any of Bret Michaels’ BMs:

Love her. Keep reading for our predictions, from our post dated October 16, 2009:

Well, it’s that time of year again: The new roster for Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice 3 has been announced, and as expected, it features both people you haven’t heard from in 2 years, people you haven’t heard from in 5 years, those you thought were dead, and even some you’ve definitely never heard of at all. Still, as this remains our favorite guilty pleasure on television, we figure it’s never too early to figure out in what order these people will be eliminated. And sure, we may not be 100 percent accurate, but we stand by our #1 choice with every ounce of our physical being.

SEE OUR PICKS AHEAD.

12^th Actress Holly Robinson Peete. This just goes to show, kids: Have one small role on Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper, and ride that wave for the next 20 years. It also helps to marry a famous athlete. Needless to say, she’s flying on the first episode. Meanwhile, Marc Curry would totally not say no if you wanted to Paypal him like $5. (Update: Thank you to our well spoken commenters who reminded me that Hol-Rob-P. has been in many a top-rated ABC show.)

</br>

11^th Writer and Comedian Carol Leifer, who wrote for “Seinfeld“ Carol’s a comedic genius, but sadly, due to Joan Rivers‘ win last year, has no shot at winning the title. Look for her to go early on. Ironically, the Seinfeld character based on her, Elaine, would have probably won the whole damn thing.

</br>

10^th Australian Celebrity Chef Curtis Stone Take Home Chef was perhaps one of my favorite shows of all time (sorry The Honeymooners) thanks in large part to Curtis Stone’s charm and accent. Then he started going on The Today Show to “talk” about “stuff”, and we quickly realized he’s not really that “smart”. And Donnie T don’t stand for idiots (who have penises).

</br>

9^th Baseball Enthusiast Darryl Strawberry Will get arrested doing lines with George H. Ross.

</br>

8^th Olympic gold-medal swimmer Summer Sanders Don’t know her, but a quick Google search shows she won a gold medal at the 1992 Summer Olympics in Barcelona. We’d tell you more, but our nightcaps were just dry-cleaned and “snooze”.

</br>

7^th Bret Michaels (</em>No Explanation Necessary) Here’s where we get interesting. Bret Michaels will clearly be the “Stephen Baldwin” of this season. He’s the guy no one gives credit to, but who will end up secretly (maybe?) being smart and kind and having some insight into things the others don’t see. That, or he’ll give Ivanka the Herp and be thrown out by Donald himself, DJ Jazzy Jeff style. ps VH1 REPRESENT.

</br>

6^th Ex-Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich No way will Donald let the only other head of hair able to compete with his own win this thing. Peace out, Blaggo.

</br>

5^th Wrestler Maria Kanellis Maria is this season’s token unfamous hot girl. Which means she’ll definitely make it to the top 5 if Trump has anything to do with it. Seriously, she could publicly grapefruit spoon her brains out of her earholes and will still be guaranteed a spot in the top 5.

</br>

4^th Cyndi Lauper A legend. Arguably the most famous and accomplished person on the show this season. She’ll add much needed spunk to the cast, and who knows… if there’s a Sitar challenge, maybe she’ll win the whole thing.

</br>

3^rd Wrestler Goldberg We’re not too familiar with the work of Goldberg, but judging by his picture, he will “Jesse James” his way into the finale.

</br>

2^nd Sharon Osbourne Love Sharon, think she’s probably the wittiest and sharpest of the entire cast. Trump knows this. She’ll be in the Top 2, mark our words. Unless Ozzie manages to f**k things up as usual.

</br>

1^st Sinbad SINBAD IS GOING TO WIN THE ENTIRE MOTHERF**KING THING. HE’S SINBAD, YOU GUYS, HE CANNOT LOSE. WATCH FOR IT!

Leave your own guesses in the comments, but make sure they all say that Sinbad will win.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/has-tiger-woods-been-hiding-out-in-an-all-male-prison/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50184

The cover of Vanity Fair’s February 2010 issue seems to imply that, yes, Tiger Woods has been tossin’ salads for the past couple of weeks:

The Annie Liebowitz photoshoot was taken before the SUV-crashing, lip-splitting, penis-putting-in-multiple-vaginas incident that shook the world of golf, and, for the first time in history, the 6,692,030,267 people in the world who don’t care at all about golf (half of those people, mind you, have already likely seen Tiger topless in person).

Yet another embarrassing turn of events for Tiger, whose sexyface pose may not have even caused any alarm pre-scandal, but post-scandal — what with his fratty, dirty texting/effing — makes him look like 2010’s Biggest Douche in the Space-Time Continuum.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/snuggle-suits-for-when-you-want-your-robe-to-look-business-cazh/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50176

If someone put a gun to our head and forced us to write infomercial copy for the Snuggle Suit, seen right, it would probably go something like this:

Has this ever happened to you? You’re headed to work, and cut yourself on those pesky, razor sharp shirt collars? Oh No! (Man profusely bleeding from hands as he ties his ties.) Or while putting on those constricting pantyhose, you accidentally pee the bed? Not again! (Woman sitting in giant soak stain on her duvet, looks around, eyebrows a-knit, and shrugs.)

You want to wear something softer, more comfortable, but Snuggies cause all that awwwful chaffing! (Heavyset Man and Woman, both wearing Snuggies to work with their bare asses hanging out, pat their thighs and make faces proving their in horrible, burning pain.)

Not anymore… because now… you can wear a Snuggle Suit! Snuggle Suit: Like a Robe, with Pants! Or a Snuggle, with an ass covering! And for only $99.99 (Ed. Note: How much we’d gladly pay for one) it can be yours!

Yes, people, only a few days in, and 2010 has not disappointed. The Snuggle Suit, first brought to our attention by TruTV’s Susie Felber, is probably the best gift your testicles and/or lady parts could ever receive. Now, feel free to answer your door in your robe with those Girl Scouts coming knocking, Old Man Grizzlyshvanz! Little Dotty won’t run home bawling forcing her mother to call the police after her daughter spied your goods, now will she? Thin mints for all.

But if the idea of wearing a robe to the opera suits you and your lifestyle, we suggest you ACT FAST and buy one of these things RIGHT NOW. Since posting about this human papoose yesterday, Susie notes that the price has already gone up FIVE DOLLARS. So head over to the JC Penney and buy one of these lifechanging one-piece fleece costumes before they SELL OUT and you’re the only IDIOT at work not one a ONE PIECE FLEECE SUIT.

And PS: If you think that we’re kidding, and that people would never wear this out of the house, please see our favorite review from the JC Penney website, posted ahead:

Written By: Blessed
Location: Davie, FL

“I love that it can be worn as a lounger as much as Pj’s and you look more presentable. After getting red for Christmas last year, I immediately ordered black in two sizes and black for my mother-who is always cold. I bought my regular size in black and a bigger one so I can sleep in it an not feel restricted if it twists from rolling over. I eventually realize if I just took off the belt from my regular size, I could roll over with no restrictions, but it does tend to “flop open” and flash people – especially without the belt so I usually pin it or stick a hair clip on it if I am around the house and don’t need to be presentable – of course a cute tank top underneath would solve that problem, but I love the feel of fleece and a shirt underneath ruins the feel.

Happy New Year, All of America!!

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/avatar-now-fourth-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50136

This weekend, Avatar became the fifth film in international box office history to crack $1 billion, passing up The Dark Knight to become the fourth highest-grossing movie of all time:

After grossing an estimated $68 million over New Year’s weekend, even if Avatar slows down, it’s still got a great shot of ending up as the second highest-grossing movie of all time. Pretty impressive showing by James Cameron’s blue people, although even with inflation, they’re still nowhere near catching James Cameron’s fleshtone people.

What’s the lesson here? Have James Cameron do things. The man knows his talkies.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/avatar-that-movie-about-blue-people-who-have-hair-sex/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50168

So that big movie about giant blue people with cat faces has already made almost as much money as that other movie by the same director about a giant boat that sinks with a bunch of beautiful people and things on board. That’s right: Avatar is a huge success, almost as huge as those unexplainable Stanford baby tees seen on Sigourney Weaver’s giant blue Avatar, which is clearly a mythical 7XL.

We saw Avatar a few days ago, and despite the furrowed expression left on our faces by the ungodly 3D glasses, we quite enjoyed it. For those of you out there (the infirm, the homeless) who haven’t seen it yet, this was definitely our favorite scene:

Fair enough, that’s not the exact scene, but basically it’s in the movie (and good news for Mel Gibson, they are equally as racist).

If, for whatever reason, you are hesitating joining the masses in sitting through this journey to a far off planet that kinda looks like our planet, only sh*t glow and floats and sh*t, perhaps this half-review/half-recap of the film by comedians Joe Mande and Noah Garfinkel is what you’re looking for. The goal was simple: To go home right after the movie ended and film themselves giving a recap of Avatar. The result, less so: Joe made his right away, while Noah decided to tape his recap 7 days later, while hungover, at 6 in the morning.

Strangely, it’s the hungover version that makes way, way more sense. Language NSFW:

We’d ask you to tell us whether or not you liked Avatar, but that’s a moot question because EVERYONE LOVES IT!!!

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/new-years-rockin-eve-features-j-los-rockin-vagina/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50151

The 2009 edition of the never not-average New Year’s Rockin’ Eve featured numerous highs and lows (actually it didn’t, the event’s interestingometer hasn’t fluctuated in its 85-year existence, but I needed something to write before just posting this pic of Jennifer Lopez in a skin-tight vagina-flaunting catsuit), but amidst the Daughtry performances and other people I mistook for Daughtry, Jennifer Lopez appeared in a skin-tight vagina-flaunting catsuit:

It looks like something a Cirque du Soleil performer would wear while rubbing their crotch in your face as you think to yourself “I spent too much money on this for it to qualify as skeevy — I’m being arted on!”

After the jump, the corresponding pic of J-Lo’s ass. A comedian once told me that it is in fact big:

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/video-hits-one-flavor-flav-releases-new-single-longing-robot-in-neighborhood/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50126

There’s using Autotune, and then there’s sounding like a dude with a tracheotomy recording an R&B single with one of those buzzing throat devices — guess which category Flavor Flav’s new single “I’ll Never Let You Go” falls into! If you guessed the write-in category of “No Word In That Sentence Makes Any Conceivable Sense,” you are the winner of the Guessing Award.

I’m sure this is somehow VH1’s fault.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/while-you-were-selling-your-stock-in-plastic-zero-eye-novelty-sunglasses/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50134

• The domestic box office posted a record-high $10.61 billion in 2009, up more than 8% from 2008. And just think — if the Feds had gotten to that guy in the Bronx responsible for copying the Wolverine bootleg sooner, that figure could’ve easily surpassed $10.61001 billion.
• Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves welcomed a baby girl over the weekend, naming her Vida Alves McConaughey. Man, “Vida” is gonna get teased like crazy if she somehow time-travels back to the summer of 1999.
• Kathy Griffin dropped another F-bomb during CNN’s live New Year’s coverage this year. Well, this year’s was more of an F-firecracker, or possibly an F-Pop Rocks and Coke, but it’s swearier than nothing.
• The Pennsylvania diner chain Eat n’ Park (my pre-drinking age high school hangout) is suing a Texas cookie company for marketing its own “smiley cookie”, even though 1) It’s in Texas and 2) It’s not really that hard for two people to independently think of putting a frickin’ smiley face on a cookie.
• And finally, your 2009-10 NFL Playoff teams: Colts, Chargers, Patriots, Bengals, Jets, Ravens in the AFC, Saints, Vikings, Cowboys, Cardinals, Packers, Eagles in the NFC. You know what that means, rest of us: Time to start rooting for the team with the fewest fans in your office (Coooomeeee onnnnnnnn Cardinals….)

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-12-31/open-thread-the-end-of-a-decade/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50111

Well, it’s the end of another fine decade*, and as perhaps one of the worst years of said decade comes to a close, it seems most people are happily looking forward to the next ten years rather than reminisce about the last. And it is within these last 10 years that this very blog was born, tiny, pink-faced, glitchy and cranky, and blossomed into a hunchbacked, tourettey, half-broken adult. (Believe Dan and myself, we know the new comments system sucks. It’s like the tiny vodka bottle kept in the cabinet of a former alcoholic. It will make us crack one day.)

But enough about the blog. Let’s talk about pop culture and technology these past 10 years. There were plenty of highlights: CGI and Pixar, The Lord of the Rings phenomenon, Rock Band, flat screen TVs, wireless internet, the birth of viral videos (cockroach weatherman, you know you’re out there), Ken Jennings, American Idol, Six Feet Under, Kelly Clarkson, Steve Carell, Eminem, The Office, The Amazing Race, Kanye, The View, Lambert, Gaga, oh, of course, Dreamgirls… to name a few of our obsessions and advancements over the past 10 years.

But there were plenty of lowlights, too. You had Bob Barker retiring as America’s favorite sexual harasser, Crocs, Crash, Paris Hilton, American Idol, Susan Boyle, Oprah quitting, William Hung, the Gosselins, Lohan, Lohan, Lohan, those incessant IO Digital Cable Commercials, way too many celebrity deaths to even begin to process, and perhaps the most memorable event of the decade to be burned in our memories forever: Watching the towers fall early in the morning on an otherwise perfect fall day. It’s been said plenty already, but it seems most people are more than ready for this decade to be over.

Now, another 10 beautiful years ahead of us to make plenty of mistakes and hopefully fix some of the incredible errors made so far in the “New Millennium.”

And so, an open thread. If you can deal with our comments (and yes, we do read them!), tell us your favorite moments from 2000-2009, pop culture, personally, or otherwise; what is it you’re most hoping for or looking forward to these next 10 years; and what cocktails you’ll be imbibing tonight and where.

Now also seems as good a time as any to thank all of you for continuing to read the blog. All the kinks and issues with it that frustrate you frustrate us to the 10th power, but we appreciate your feedback and dedication. So keep that close to your heart this evening as you celebrate with family and friends. Or alone. Whichever!! We don’t judge here.**

(*Math people, please don’t argue with me on this. Not feelin’ it.)
(**JK, of course. It’s what we’re paid to do!)

FROM US TO YOU, THE BEST NYE SONG THERE IS:

Play this on repeat to show how much we love you. XOXO and Have a Great New Year!

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-12-31/happy-holidays-comedy-central-cancels-the-jeff-dunham-show/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50103

Rumors had been circulating this week, but now Comedy Central has officially decided not to renew The Jeff Dunham Show:

Achmed the Dead Terrorist has been all but buried on Comedy Central. Press representatives for the channel said on Tuesday that its hit series featuring that contentious puppet — not to mention Jeff Dunham, the man with a hand up his back — will not be picked up for a second season, confirming a report that appeared in The Hollywood Reporter…

The decision comes as a bit of a surprise given that “Jeff Dunham’s Very Special Christmas Special,” a performance shown on Comedy Central in 2008, is that channel’s most-viewed broadcast ever, drawing 6.6 million viewers, and that the premiere of “The Jeff Dunham Show” was watched by 5.3 million viewers.

As much as I’d like to express unbridled triumph on behalf of human taste that this cancellation occurred, I’m still hesitant to get excited; on one hand, I know you shouldn’t stare a gift horse in the mouth — my 19th century prospector uncle always told be that — but on the other hand, terrible things will always exist and be really popular, and complaining about them is never worth the energy it always seems to require, so I’m not gonna throw a party or anything.

My New Year’s Party, on the other hand, will proceed as scheduled.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-12-30/the-best-written-top-10-albums-of-2009-list-on-the-internet/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50071

I’ve been planning to write my Top 10 Albums of 2009 list for some time now, but whenever I write about music I enjoy, I come off sounding alternatively like a gushing schoolgirl and a total douchebag, or some unholy combination of the two, which I would call a “douchegirl” except that you’d be like “is that a girl made of douche?” and I’d have to explain it, and it’d just waste more time than it saved.

So for this year’s 10 Best Albums of 2009 list, rather than be intimidated by the grandiose prose of my online music brethren, I’ve decided to compile an even better-written list than everyone else’s by accompanying the album choices not with rambly writeups, but with passages from assorted literary masterpieces.

If the excerpts end up applying to the albums, I assure you it’s completely incidental, but can you argue with the greatness of the writing? The answer is that you cannot. So here it is — The Best-Written Top 10 Albums Of 2009 List On The Internet:



10. The Flaming Lips – Embryonic

On the table was an empty glass and a glass half-full of brandy and soda. I took them both out to the kitchen and poured the half-full glass down the sink. I turned off the gas in the dining-room, kicked off my slippers sitting on the bed, and got into bed. This was Brett that I had felt like crying about. Then I thought of her walking up the street and stepping into the car, as I had last seen her, and of course in a little while I felt like hell again. It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night is another thing.



9. Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion

The evening arrived; the boys took their places. The master, in his cook’s uniform, stationed himself at the copper; his pauper assistants ranged themselves behind him; the gruel was served out; and a long grace was said over the short commons. The gruel disappeared; the boys whispered each other, and winked at Oliver; while his next neighbours nudged him. Child as he was, he was desperate with hunger, and reckless with misery. He rose from the table; and advancing to the master, basin and spoon in hand, said: somewhat alarmed at his own temerity:

‘Please, sir, I want some more.’



8. The Juan MacLean – The Future Will Come

It was a monstrous big river down there — sometimes a mile and a half wide; we run nights, and laid up and hid daytimes; soon as night was most gone we stopped navigating and tied up — nearly always in the dead water under a towhead; and then cut young cottonwoods and willows, and hid the raft with them. Then we set out the lines. Next we slid into the river and had a swim, so as to freshen up and cool off; then we set down on the sandy bottom where the water was about knee deep, and watched the daylight come. Not a sound anywheres — perfectly still — just like the whole world was asleep, only sometimes the bullfrogs a-cluttering, maybe.



7. St. Vincent – Actor

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

He didn’t say any more, but we’ve always been unusually communicative in a reserved way, and I understood that he meant a great deal more than that.



6. The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart – The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart

Just as in the clock the result of the complex action of innumerable wheels and pulleys is merely the slow and regular movement of the hand marking the time, so the result of all the complex human activities of these 160,000 Russian and French – of all their passions, hopes, regrets, humiliations, sufferings, outbursts of pride, fear and enthusiasm – was only the loss of the battle of Austerlitz, the battle of the three Emperors, as it was called; that is to say, a slow movement of the hand on the dial of human history.



5. Girls – Album

“I knows what you thinking.” Dilsey said. “And they aint going to be no luck in saying that name, lessen you going to set up with him while he cries.”

“They aint no luck on this place,” Roskus said. “I seen it at first but when they changed his name I knowed it.”

“Hush your mouth” Dilsey said. She pulled the covers up. It smelled like T. P. “You all shut up now, till he get to sleep.”



4. Camera Obscura – My Maudlin Career

She was really good. All you had to do was touch her. And when she turned around, her pretty little butt twitched so nice and all. She knocked me out. I mean it. I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.



3. Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

“What a mine they’ve dug there! And they’re making the most of it! Yes, they are making the most of it! They’ve wept over it and grown used to it. Man grows used to everything, the scoundrel!”

He sank into thought.

“And what if I am wrong,” he cried suddenly after a moment’s thought. “What if man is not really a scoundrel, man in general, I mean, the whole race of mankind — then all the rest is prejudice, simply artificial terrors and there are no barriers and it’s all as it should be.”



2. Dinosaur Jr. – Farm

“No one’s trying to kill you,” Clevinger cried.

“Then why are they shooting at me?” Yossarian asked.

“They’re shooting at everyone,” Clevinger answered. “They’re trying to kill everyone.”

“And what difference does that make?”

Clevinger was already on the way, half out of his chair with emotion, his eyes moist and his lips quivering and pale. There were many principles in which Clevinger believed passionately. He was crazy.


1. Passion Pit – Manners

STATELY, PLUMP BUCK MULLIGAN CAME FROM THE STAIRHEAD, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him by the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:

—INTROIBO AD ALTARE DEI.

Halted, he peered down the dark winding stairs and called out coarsely:

—Come up, Kinch! Come up, you fearful jesuit!

Solemnly he came forward and mounted the round gunrest.



Honorable Mentions: Dan Deacon – Bromst; Wild Beasts – Two Dancers; Bat For Lashes – Two Suns; Dirty Projectors – Bitte Orca; Islands – Vapours

Favorite albums of 2009? Leave ‘em in the comments.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-12-30/bwe-slang-airplane-food/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50057

Airplane Food (âr’plān’ ˈfüd)
n
An element of culture that’s been so universally made fun of by comedians and people alike, when you encounter a negative experience with it, you can’t express any new or original frustration.

As the latest example of such an occurrence, I recently went to an expensive luxury spa (a Christmas gift), and amidst an amazing array of mineral baths, hot tubs, and orgasmic fruit scrubs (their technical name), the entire men’s side of the spa was expectedly full of naked middle-aged men going very far out of their way to be demonstratively comfortable with their nudity.

The hordes of naked dudes in a bathing-suit-optional area didn’t mar the experience, but it was really awkward, and yet, afterwards, I felt I couldn’t make any jokes about it to my friends without sounding like every standup comedian ever making an observation that was comically retired at an early-90s Comedy Central special. There’s a bunch of naked middle-aged dudes in spas. Airline food is bad.

This same concept — something that’s been made fun of so much, you can’t make fun of it anymore regardless of your experience — applies in all kinds of situations, from eating airline food to doctors making you wait forever, to people in gyms being so cut you need to work out before you work out there, to women taking a long time in the bathroom, to George W. Bush messing up words. The things get overly made fun of because they’re so prevalent, and yet, this prevalence eventually protects them from being made fun of once the observation becomes so accepted, there’s no longer any reason to bring it up. This isn’t to say that Bush didn’t continue messing up words long after it was fashionable comic material, or that he didn’t still deserve it, just that at some point in the arc of , everyone just accepts

Hopefully the expression will catch on. I haven’t successfully leaked the insult “Dickwolf” into the public consciousness, but dammit, it’s getting there.

</br>
</br>
</br>
Other examples of airplane food? Leave ‘em in the comments. Talent scouts from the Bill Engvall Show will be scouring these comments for ideas.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-12-29/for-your-consideration-2009-the-year-in-film/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50052

Bestweekever.tv has taken a look back into the year of film, compiling the year’s movies with our trademarked “For Your Consideration” titles. Take a look through the below gallery, and tell us if you agree with our assessment in the comments. So, ladies and gentlemen, we present:

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: 2009, The Year In Film

(click on the first picture to begin)

1234►

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-12-29/3-universal-truths-of-law-and-order/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50036

I’ve been on a Law and Order binge this holiday season. As every human with eyes and couches knows, this entails watching roughly more hours of Law and Order per day than there are hours in a given day for more days than there are days, and it’s such a common occurrence in humanity, I don’t even feel the need to acknowledge this practice as unusual or even really noteworthy.

So I’m writing this post not to brag about amateur tv-addict behaviour (Britishized for class), but to point out three universal observations about the show that we’ve all noticed and all pointed out before, but which require cataloging here so that when future alien civilizations discover Law and Order and BWE.tv in that order, they’ll be all like, “Yeah I know, right???” Then they’ll be like “Blaxnorff!!!” cause they’re aliens and only speak some English.

John Mulaney has a comprehensive standup bit about L&O that covers the universal basics of the show with superhuman accuracy — Jerry Orbach’s before-the-commercial corpse wisecracks, the New York bartender who remembers everyone, the vague and lame pre-body discovery extras dialogue, and so on — but the show is so ubiquitous, so unapologetically formulaic, and still so inexplicably addictive after all these years, I feel the list of universally accepted L&O rules needs to be expanded.

To pre-emptively avoid rambling forever, I’ve kept the list to just three. Without murder ado (typing that hurt both of us), here are 3 Additional Universal Truths of Law & Order.

Truth #1: If a recognizable actor or actress is in the episode, they did it.

As soon as the detectives begin interrogating “That’s that dude from [BLANK]“, that guy’s gonna end up being the murderer, or at the very least, they’re gonna figure prominently in the solution and deliver a stirring speech on the witness stand in the final 10 minutes as the music swells. Law & Order isn’t going to bring in Characteractor McKindarecognizable to just dish out a little information in the first twenty minutes and disappear. If Robert Wagner or Orlando Jones walks through the frame, arrest the sh*t out of him. He did it.

The show could reverse this trend, of course, if it ever had the balls to pull a Deep Blue Sea and bring in a guest star specifically to play a completely inconsequential part. Maybe it’d be slightly insulting to bring in Daniel Day-Lewis just to have him play the Hispanic dock worker who remembers someone got a phone call and stormed away kind of angry, but dammit, it would serve such a grand universal purpose, it’d be more than worth it. And I’m sure Daniel Day-Lewis watches L&O constantly too and feels the same way, so what’re you waiting for, Danny? Start perfecting some goddamn dockworker affectations.

Two more…

Truth #2: If they arrest or try a suspect with too much time left in the episode, that person obviously didn’t do it.

There’s nothing more instantly frustrating to the L&O viewer than the detectives confidently handcuffing someone fifteen minutes in the episode, or the prosecutors bringing the hammer down on someone with a solid twenty minutes left in the episode, and no ability to yell at them from your couch “IT’S OBVIOUSLY NOT THEM YOU DUMBASS, THERE’S WAY TOO MUCH FRICKIN’ TIME LEFT!” Well, you have the ability to yell it all the time, but trust me, they rarely respond.

You’d think that after eighty blablillion seasons of the show, even with the personnel turnover, some of these cops would’ve figured out not to arrest someone until 25-35 minutes into the episode, and not to really nail them in court until after the final commercial break. In extremely rare cases, an early conviction may actually occur, but only if it then leads to a more important crime being unearthed and the episode essentially starting over again. They’ve never just nailed someone ten minutes in, forced them to plead guilty, and eaten sandwiches in realtime for the reamaining forty minutes. Could someone please make this episode happen? It would instantly become every L&O fan’s unquestionably favorite episode / day of life.

Universal Truth #3: The last couple seasons of SVU have been effing crazy.

This isn’t so much a universal L&O commandment as just an observation, but it’s a damn obvious observation at that. SVU should, in theory, be the most gripping and relatable L&O offshoot, as it involves cases of domestic abuse, rape, and crimes of a sexual nature so often committed by close family members and not — as in Law And Order: Original Recipe — in some zany scheme between zany people that intrigue us but seem distant and caricatured.

Instead, the past (give or take) six seasons of SVU have been hilariously ridiculous, and usually in an entertaining way, but in a way so full of sub-Shyamalan twists and turns so as to completely negate any relatability to the serious issues it attempts to raise. If the cops interrogate or arrest someone even 30 minutes into an SVU episode, there is no question that they’re still about eight dudes away from finding the actual killer (eight dudes or girls, or the dudes’ kids secretly, or a secretly transgender guidance counselor taking matters into her own hands because she identified so uniquely with a transgender student’s parental issues, even though none of this was raised before the final two minutes of the sixty minute show).

Watching SVU is like watching cartoony 24 episodes but with rape involved so you feel slightly guilty for laughing at the ridiculousness. In a related story, my DVR is full.

Other Universal Truths of Law & Order? Leave ‘em in the comments. There are literally blablillions of them.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-12-29/video-jersey-shore-snookie-punch-re-created-with-dogs/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50030

It may be Holiday Halfassed Week^TM in workplaces worldwide, but I’m happy to see the internet’s still not pulling any punches in its ongoing role to be the internet.

Today’s video that wasn’t actually made by people but merely willed into existence by the internet is a long-overdue re-enactment of the infamous aired/unaired Jersey Shore Snookie punch, but with dogs. You’re expecting it to be pointless, but that’d be assuming it’s enough of a thing to qualify for an adjective:

(via Gorillamask)

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-12-28/panic-the-world-has-run-out-of-friggin-duck-phones/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50013

MTV’s hit show Jersey Shore has managed to make superstars out of people who could easily be confused for fake Louis Vuitton luggage, ironically the very same people that lack any emotional baggage. But as our love for the show and its stars — Snooki, The Situation, Paulie D — grows stronger and more resilient with each passing episode/barfight, there remains one cast member of the Jersey Shore home who, week in, week out, steals the show.

That person being, of course…

The Friggin Duck Phone.

But it wasn’t until bass player of Taking Back Sunday Matt Rubano wondered aloud on Twitter where he could get his very own duck phone that we decided to take matters into our own hands and locate one online.

What we discovered, readers, will break your heart. THE WORLD HAS RUN OUT OF FRIGGIN DUCK PHONES.

Our “Duck Hunt” begins ahead.

A quick Google search of “Duck Phone” directed us to this website, designed by The National Epileptic Haters of America, called “Phone Phun.” This website seemed to offer the very same Duck Phone that has stolen the show over in America’s favorite herpes repository. But, alas, HEARTBREAKING NEWS:

First off, $150? BARGAIN. But it’s sold out! And clearly “Phone Phun” is being inundated with requests for this quacking miracle, as the language used — “we are trying to locate more” — appears to be a desperate attempt to quell its demanding customers. It seems that one of the issues with locating this phone is that it was manufactures back in the 1980s, when people still plugged their telephones into walls.

Undeterred, we kept searching. That’s when we found this “Duck Phone” knock-off:

$39.99 is a veritable steal for this miracle. Alexander Graham Bell is the opposite of rolling over in his grave right now! Only, scratch that, a-rollin’ he is because, once again, this duck phone is out of stock.

But relax, readers with unlimited amounts of expendable income. There is good news around the horizon. That’s because we have, in fact, located THE ONLY AUTHENTIC FRIGGIN DUCK PHONE FOR SALE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Courtesy of Ebay, we present…

VTG MALLARD DUCK WORKING TELEPHONE QUACKS 1980′S

Indeed, there is a duck phone for sale. And it’s only $9.99! Well, for the day anyway. We’re guessing once the world finds out about this auction, the price will shoot up faster than Situation’s aggressive testosterone levels on the d-floor. Sotheby’s, you really dropped the ball on this one.

But fear not: We give it 3 more months until Duck Phones are on clearance at Urban Outfitters, and the magic is dead and gone.

PS: Someone please buy me the duck phone. xoxoxo, Michelle.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-12-28/where-were-you-when-tyra-banks-announced-the-end-of-her-talk-show/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50002

As though 2009 has not already been chock full of tragedies, today, we are dealt a blow so hard, so blinding, that we fear this new decade will never recover. The Other Queen of Daytime Television, Tyra Banks, has announced that she will be ending her talk show in 2010.

The World:

A world without The Tyra Banks Show is like Christmas with Santa’s cold body waiting under the tree: Devoid of all happiness and celebration. When the show began in 2005, it seemed the nation was skeptic. How could Tyra Banks, supermodel, carry her own talk show? What we were to learn over the past 4 years is the answer: With hilarity, brazenness, and a genuine voice that, even in its most inappropriate or silly times, never wavered.

Tyra eventually won the nation over with her unusual interview style — where boob grabs came and went like sh*tty green room fruit baskets — and by giving away ungodly amounts of Vaseline. Tyra went from being a model with a talk show to a two-time Daytime Emmy Award Winner for the outstanding talk show category in 2008 and 2009. And if you’ve ever given birth to an S-shaped doodie — and don’t front, you’re doing it right now — you know this award is fully deserved. Her Bus Station Fashion Show alone was Oscar worthy, if they doles out awards for “Best What, Exactly, Is Happening Right Now?”

Which is why this news is most surprising. With Oprah ending her 215-year reign as the Queen of All Media next year, we were sure — certain – that Tyra would be just the girl to fill in Oprah’s Hermes crocodile canoes (shoes). And then this news…

Could it possibly mean Tyra will be coming back on a brand new, revamped talk show? Perhaps a late night show? We doubt Banks, who we’ve often felt was the hardest working woman in show biz between her show tapings and her America’s Next Top Model commitment — would just plain end her talk show without something bigger on the horizon. At least, this is what we hope to believe.

Having had the honor to appear on Ms. Tyra’s show (and believe me, it is to this day one of my most prized apperances, if only because I was able to address Nigel Barker as “Nige”), I’d like to congratulate Tyra on creating one of the most talked about daytime show of the decade, and wish her and her wonderful staff the best in the future. And please, please, please don’t leave this country in the cold. Come back soon.

Regretfully, rocking itself back and forth,
America

PS: EW’s recommendation of Alexa Chung replacing Tyra is one we could more than live with.

Let us all remember our favorite Tyra moments in the comments. We’ve put ours ahead.

We didn’t really care about Oprah quitting. But this? This cuts deep.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-12-28/breaking-news-about-the-tiger-woods-yacht-scandal/

http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=49990

Just when you thought the Tiger Woods scandal couldn’t get more scandalous…get a load of THIS:

That’s right — Us Weekly has learned EXCLUSIVELY that Tiger Woods’ yacht is still docked. It has not been undocked, as would be the case if it were to be used for yachting, nor has the rope connecting the yacht to the dock been worn away by elemental factors, such as rain or Tiger Woods having sex with it.

Stay tuned tomorrow for a rousing update of Tiger Woods’ hammock, which remains, at this moment, not knotted.